Safe and Secure

I have just reread the last few pages of this blog.

There is nothing there except bits about Harry and occasionally my man.

Where are all the pieces I used to write about things I was doing and bits from the world?  I haven’t written anything for instance about Copenhagen, something that I feel passionately about.  Or I thought I did!

I used to write frequently too and now once a week seems to be enough.  Even on my other blog, which is about finance and investment, my contributions have dwindled.  But at least others in the company, have stepped in to take my place.  If they hadn’t you might have been able to unmask me.

Is my life being destroyed?

Or is this what happens to carers?  They get abused and they just can’t take it.

I thought that after the last post things would be getting a bit better.  Or at least a little bit more controlled.

As you can see from the title of this post, it’s three in the morning.  Rarely, except by choice am I up at this hour.  But I am tonight as I can’t sleep and I’ve been crying.  And crying a lot.  Not with lots of tears, but if I had been wearing any make-up it would have been very smudged.

It’s just that life is just so grim.

Harry is supposed to start his chemo this week, but it is probably five weeks later than he should have started.  His quack friends and trying to persuade him not to and sometimes I think they have succeeded.  Whether he starts or not, is something that I do not know the answer to.

Harry also returned last week with his dog.  Now don’t get me wrong, I like dogs, but my house is not really designed for one. Red or Irish Setters are not small, but my garden is not very big. The dog had been living with friends of his and as they are going skiing over Christmas and the New Year, he had to take him back.  I did say him and he’s still got the extra bits, which means that I can’t take him down to my daughter’s for Christmas, as their dog, a female, is just ready for love! Kennels are out, as the dog isn’t injected, as my son doesn’t believe in injections of any sort, because of the poisons they put into the body.  It’s funny, but isn’t he having some of those vile injections for himself?  And doesn’t smoking put a lot of carcinogens into it, too?

And where is Harry for Christmas?  He’s off to Newcastle to see yet another crap therapist, snake oil salesman or charlatan, who happens to be a friend of a friend of his there.  And they’ve been flown in from Brazil.  Guess who paid for that!

So I’ve planned for the worst!  My man and I weren’t going to meet until the New Year, as he is with his family and hopefully, I would have been with mine. It’ll be turkey for one and the Red Setter.  I hope the weather is good, so that I can have a long walk on the Heath.  If I’m lucky the dog will get run over.

Oh! And there’s another thing.  He has taken objection to my new man and says that he doesn’t want to see him.  He says that it upsets him deeply and would I please not allow him to come to the house. They had a row on Wednesday, and my man went off in a huff.  He did apologise and send a large bouquet of flowers round, so all was not lost.  But if I lose that man because of Harry, then I suspect Harry will be thrown on the street.  Literally!

Somehow, I think he is taking the piss!  I can afford it, but I might just as well run the central heating on five-pound notes.  It would be cheaper to run than Harry!

I feel better after that rant! But I doubt I’ll get any sleep.

If any dog lovers read this, I didn’t really mean that bit about the dog being run over.  Perhaps, just a small accident, which would mean he had to be castrated!  Then, I could take him to my daughter’s!

Wednesday things changed a bit.

An old school-friend of Harry’s and his wife suggested that Harry drive down to see them in Devon.  He felt he could manage it so he took my Jaguar.  At the same time, my man suggested that we go to Paris.  He had some time to spare and we could do the shopping.  The only proviso was that I would need to come home by myself, as he would be staying for business for the first couple of days of next week.  I’ve got to get home for Harry, as he has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.

That all sounded very complicated, but it was worth it.

In the end I drove home this morning in his car taking an afternoon ferry and all of the presents we’d bought.  He’ll come home on Tuesday morning using the train.

So why did I get to drive and he will use the train?

This morning, we had a proper breakfast in bed, with all the trimmings and a glass of the finest champagne.  And then to make me behave until he returned, he corseted me as tightly as I can take and then applied my comforting steel belt and all that entails over the top. So as I wouldn’t pass through security, I would have to drive. At least they don’t check you out on the boats.

But I do like it when he treats me like that!  He’s getting more and more knowledgeable and adventurous.

I’m not complaining.

Life has settled into a rather grim pattern.  Harry spends most of the time in his bedroom and comes down every so often to cook himself some food.  To say his mental state is not good, would probably be true, but it’s almost as though he has regressed back to a truculent teenager.

My man left me alone this last weekend, as he has a business to run and clients to visit.  At least when we are together, I can forget a lot of my troubles.  But then I just really don’t want to do anything.  I walk to the office a couple of times a week and usually we just chat and I find that everything is going really well without me. I can’t even be bothered to update this blog.  Which incidentally, has been a great help to my sanity! So please comment and support me, as it’s much appreciated.

It’s funny but since the credit crunch started, we’re one of many companies that have benefited, as the banks won’t finance innovation.  We do and even more now, our skills of matching people with money, spare capacity, experience and ideas together are wanted.  We did a deal last week, where an individual and a company came to see us on the same day.  He had the idea, they had the design skills, manufacturing knowhow and capacity, and we put in a small amount of funding into a joint company.  It was all very quick and painless.  The annoying thing is that to protect the idea fully will cost an upwards of a six figure sum, but to actually get it into production will be less.  If the government wanted to really kick start the economy, they should make patents and copyrights cheaper. We do our best, using a patent agent well out of town, but they do charge an awful lot for their services.  Incidentally, all the legals for the joint venture, are virtually an edit job in Word!

I went shopping on Saturday, but really couldn’t put my heart in it.  I did have coffee with an old friend, but in the end I just had supper by myself and then walked home.

At least my man is back tonight.

His cancer has grown and it is now or never for chemo.

He doesn’t know of this blog, so I can say that I don’t have much hope.  The senior oncologist, who I saw with him yesterday, is known to be one of the best, but I’ve seen it before with my late husband and Mary.  I can read between the words. Mary had been given a year and lasted just a few weeks.

At least I have a very good man for all the personal support I want.  It’s a comfort, but it doesn’t make up for what is happening to Harry.  It should be me, that’s nearing the end of my life, not my son, who will never see his fourth decade, whereas I’m approaching my sixth!

I’d started by wanting this to be a profound and long post.

It’s just petered out.

I have said in a previous post about my doctor’s attitude to Harry’s smoking.  Last night I was working late at the computer and listening to the radio.  They were talking about a report on smoking and obesity in the NHS.

One of the experts said that hospitals should ban smoking on the whole premises and that all staff should be compelled to stop smoking.

It’s all well and good to take the moral high ground, especially as I hate the habit.  But having seen the problems that Harry has in hospital because of his habit, I actually feel that we must come to some middle way.

Harry has been a lot better the last couple of days.  He even went shopping for some clothes today.

Now we’re off to a Chinese restaurant for supper.

They need to do some tests in the morning, so they wanted Harry in overnight.  Reluctantly, he went in with a couple of his friends a couple of hours ago.

My man has had to go too, so I’ve come to the computer to add some more to the blog.  He has a few problems with one of his sons.  He doesn’t like the fact that his father has found someone who might in time replace his mother!

Families are so complicated and sometimes cruel.

Harry has gone to bed after a supper of sausages, mashed potatoes and beans.

I put my head round the door a few minutes ago and he was fast asleep.  He’s had friends round today and he gets very tired.  It make me worried that he’s iller than he thinks he is, but then he perks up when friends get him going.  I’ve known him all his life and I still can’t read him. And I’m his mother, so how can anybody else make any sense?

I’m in the office, writing documents, sending e-mails, watching AutumnWatch on the box and sipping a glass of cool Pinot Grigio.  I’m dressed for the return of my man, as I said I’d be on Wednesday.  He phoned at eight-thirty and said then, that he’d be about an hour.  So I’ve got about forty-five minutes before a kiss and hopefully a few minutes more before I get a good rogering. (Apparently, it dates from the mid-1600’s, so was Roger an English-speaking Casanova!)

The only thing that worries me is that I’m getting too old for this sort of fun!

But then I’ll only know for sure in the morning!

I’m not a great one for wearing poppies, but I do donate.  I suppose it’s mainly because I seem to hate logos and badges of all sorts.  Even at an important do, where name badges are compulsory, you’ll find that mine will accidentally fall off.  Perhaps, I don’t be like to be labelled.

I took my two-minute silence at exactly eleven this morning on Hampstead Heath overlooking London.  It is one of my favourite spots and it was where I went when I first heard about the three cancers my family have suffered in recent years; my husband, Mary and Harry.  I went when the first two died and I shall probably go when Harry passes on too.

If you want to visit the spot, just go to the place where Judi Dench picked up Kate Blanchett in Notes on a Scandal.  There is a picture in this post.